This is good advice. Advice I could have used ten years ago.
I got divorced (I initiated it) after almost 20 years. About a year after separation and about 10 months after the divorce, my ex came out as a lesbian. (That was confusing, but explained a lot.) I had one relationship since then. That relationship was a mess, so glad it ended after a year. I’ve been on a few online dates that were odd experiences.
I decided I was going to be OK with being single. I somehow can’t meet a woman who has similar interests and wants to get to know each other before sex. If sex is the only thing you have, it won’t last.
I was doing great until the pandemic and a diagnosis of prostate cancer about the same time lockdown started. That’s what threw me for a loop and I really missed having someone to hold onto at night.
However, I had surgery, and all signs point to they got it. I’m not feeling that “need” for someone in my life now that I don’t feel like I’m facing my eminent mortality.
I still want someone. A few years ago I realized it was the smell of my ex on the mattress that was causing me to dream about getting back together. That stopped once I got a new bed.
My ex was the right height to feel like a perfect fit when we hugged. I miss that feeling. My ex doesn’t want me plus she has at least one untreated mental health issue. I don’t have time for that.
The best thing to come of that relationship are two sons and two granddaughters. Becoming a grandfather was the greatest thing ever. But children & grandchildren are not a substitute for an adult romantic relationship.
I’m 57 and set in my ways. Finding a woman with similar interests and who enjoys my company is what seems like a hopeless quest. I don’t want to change. I felt small and alone living with a woman who didn’t really want me, and whom I could never please.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years:
1.) YOU have to make YOU happy.
Others can only enhance your happiness.
2.) You can’t make another person happy.
If you try you will be constantly frustrated at your failures. That was my big mistake in my marriage, trying to make a miserably unhappy person happy. She still isn’t happy and has more ex-wives than I do.
3.) Stay out of debt & get out of debt ASAP.
Accumulate an emergency fund. This will help free you from paycheck to paycheck stress.
4.) Keep your money separate from your partner.
I’m not sure I could ever get married again, and I’d still keep finances separate if I did. I’d probably do a pre-nup.
5.) Don’t move in together or get married until you’ve had sex.
If you aren’t both able to find satisfaction, this will be a sore point in the future.
6.) Don’t deny who you are just to do what society expects.
I wouldn’t marry a lesbian if I knew she was a lesbian. If your potential life partner doesn’t know who they are, you should ask them to go figure it out.
7.) If your partner thinks they can read your mind RUN!